Of Diadems and Dogs
by Wotcher-Tonks
Summary: In which the diadem is used as a Frisbee, Voldemort whines, and Hermione references Hogwarts, A History. For The What If Challenge on HPFC.


Written for the What IF Challenge on HPFC. My what if was, what if Helena hadn't stolen the diadem?

Enjoy.

* * *

"So...we're looking for a..." Harry asked Hermione and Ron. He couldn't remember the name of the Crucial-Object-That-They Had-To-Find-In-A-Very-Limited-Amount-of-Time.

"A diadem," Hermione filled in patiently. She rolled her eyes at Ron, who was staring at her with a longing expression on his freckled face. He snapped to attention and said, "A diadem!" nodding vigorously.

"And it's lost..." Suddenly, Harry had an idea. Normally, when Harry had an idea, it had something to do with Snape or Malfoy, so it was quite a shock when he pulled out the Marauders' Map and after saying the password, stared at it determinedly.

"Um..Harry," Hermione said hesitantly.

"Silence!" Harry yelled, throwing his hand up in a very melodramatic way.

"Now..." he muttered, "Where are you, little diadem? Here kitty, kitty, kitty..." At which Mrs. Norris came running, meowing softly. She rubbed on Harry's legs, shedding copious amounts of fur. But Harry didn't notice-he was busy perusing the map for the Diadem's Dot.

"Harry-" Hermione broke in.

"WHAT?!" Harry yelled, and Hermione jumped, because Harry hadn't shouted like that since fifth year.

"First of all, you really should use your inside voice at school," she continued primly "-and secondly, you won't find the diadem on the Map because it's not a living creature."

A ghost drifted up to them at a fast speed.

"Look at it go!" shouted Ron excitedly.

"It's Helena Ravenclaw!" Hermione shouted excitedly, too. (She had forgotten to use her inside voice.)

" 'Sup? " Helena said spookily. She was dressed in what must have been rebellious teenage clothes in her century.

"Sup" the Golden Trio chorused, nodding their heads at Helena in a very cool way.

"It's time for me to tell you guys about the diadem!"

"Yay!" the Golden Trio chorused once more.

"Okay, so, like, I was out in the Forbidden Forest to see my boyfriend B-dog-"

"Who's that?" Ron asked, tearing his gaze away from Hermione.

"The Bloody Baron," Hermione answered in a patronizing voice, as though Ron should know the tragic backstory of every ghost. Well, he should. It was in Hogwarts, A History, after all.

Helena started to drift away, bored by her inquisitive audience.

"Wait!" The Golden Trio chorused yet again. Merlin, that was getting annoying.

She drifted back slowly.

"Ready?"

They nodded.

"So, like, I was in the woods with B-dog, and we wanted to play Frisbee. But all we had was my mom's magical wisdom-inducing crown thingy-"

"A diadem-" Hermione interrupted.

"Yes, that. So we played Frisbee with that. But all of a sudden, like, this three headed dog jumps up and, like, catches it in his mouth-"

"Which one?" Ron said, and looked at Hermione to see if she was laughing. She wasn't.

"And we, like, chased him, but he was, like, too fast. So I went to Albania."

"Why?" asked Hermione, looking puzzled.

"Cause you get really good tans there." Helena said in a patronizing voice, much like Hermione's a few paragraphs ago.

"Oh," The Golden Trio chorused...yet again.

"So that's what happened to the diadem."

Harry realized what this meant- it wasn't a Horcrux! He and Hermione pumped their fists in the air and said, "HOO-RAH!" They looked at Ron to see if he was HOO-RAHing too, but he wasn't.

"It's not a Horcrux, Ron," Hermione said patiently.

"Oh." Then a few seconds later..."OHHHHH..."

So Hermione and Ron stabbed the locket with a wicked awesome fang, snogged a bit, and ran to defend the school.

Harry sighed a relieved sigh. Sure, Voldemort was about to open a can of whoop-ass on them, but at least Hermione and Ron did something about the blasted sexual tension between them.

Suddenly, and without advance warning, out of nowhere, came You-Know-Who's voice.

"Knock-Knock"

"Who's there?" the obedient rebels of Hogwarts asked.

"You know."

"You Know Who?" they asked as one.

Then blood-curdling screams of realization rang throughout the majestic castle. Voldemort's high, cold laughter echoed throughout the school.

Ron laughed a minute later, for he had just gotten the joke.

"That was a good one, Harry!" He chortled, slapping his knee in joyous laughter.

"Give me my diadem, Harry Potter, and we'll call a tie," Voldemort said in a voice reminiscent of a toddler saying MINE!

"OK," Harry agreed.

He whipped out his wand, but it was broken, so he borrowed Hermione's which was somewhat anti-climactic.

He waved it in a flamboyant wave, and shouted, "Onjurus-Cay, Iadem-Day!"

The spell worked, because Pig Latin is really just a dialect of Latin. A diadem shot out of Harry's wand, and glittered dramatically in the light.

"Here," Harry said, and chucked it out of a window.

"Kay, Thanks!" Voldemort's voice rang happily.

Suddenly they heard ripping and growling noises. A massive three headed dog had wrestled the diadem out of Voldemort's uncoordinated hands, and annihilated You Know Who. He then ran off towards the forest, leaving Voldemort in a mangled heap on the ground, at which first years ran up and poked him, saying, "Is it dead?"

"Wicked," the Golden Trio chorused.

Then Hogwarts threw a big party, because Voldemort was defeated by the three headed Dog-Who-Fetched.

All was well.


End file.
